...can we be friends?

Saw the "When Harry met Sally" a few days ago. There’s some bits of dialogue that kinda got me thinking…

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not!
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: I guess not.
Sally: That's too bad.

Really now! How Victorian! But its out there…the eternal question…Can men and women really be “just” friends? Or, more realistically: Do we have reasons to believe that a platonic friendship between men and women is more difficult to support, than friendly relations with the same gender? (This does not apply to you if you happen to be gay!!!!!) What is it about sex…or even the possibility of sex that can ruin an otherwise beautiful friendship?

I for one, think opposite sex platonic friendships are very healthy. It’s the varying viewpoints, the flirtations, the openness…it’s all of that. But more so than anything else, it’s the freedom to be yourself with a member of the opposite sex without the constant need to prove oneself as the best choice. However, I personally have always found my mixed gender friendships easier to sustain when I’m in-between relationships. When I’m involved with someone jealousy always rears its ugly head, so to speak.

Well I agree that it can be difficult to differentiate platonic from romantic love because there are many similar feelings in both kinds of relationships and also because we don't have a lot of good role models for friendships between men and women. Unfortunately, the media has reinforced the idea that men and women cannot be just friends.

In the friendships portrayed in film and on TV, sex always comes between them. A classic example of this is the film When Harry Met Sally. Other examples are Sam and Diane in Cheers, and more recently Monica and Chandler in Friends. The closest we’ve come to seeing a long lasting friendship that doesn’t become romantic is probably “Will & Grace”. And he’s gay…so it doesn’t really count, does it?

While romantic feelings can grow out of a loving and caring friendship and friendship can provide a great foundation for a romantic relationship, romance is not an inevitable consequence of friendship between men and women in real life.

We’ve been brought up to believe that men think about sex 24/7 (I agree wholeheartedly. That's just the way their brains are wired!), and they wouldn't mind if a platonic friendship went to the next level. But women believe truly and sincerely that they can be friends with men without sex even entering their minds.

Most women I know underestimate how often men are attracted to them (this applies to male friends, not just a guy you pass on the street). Women are more likely to be friends with an attractive male with no sexual tension, as opposed to a man who wouldn't mind if he slept with his female friend even if she's not really his type.

I think the problem is that most women view sex as the “Grand Finalle”, the ultimate test of compatibility, whereas men tend to be far less mile-stonish about it. Most of my male friends have had (by their own admission..) way more sexual partners then their female counterparts. One of my friends claims to have slept with a staggering 127 different women. Were any of them by any definition his “friend”? Or just mere notches on his bedpost? And it seems to me that if you scheme and plot to get a woman into bed, it’s more likely that you’ll lose respect for her once she falls for your tomfoolery!

A healthy mutual respect is the most basic platform for any other type of relationship, be it friendship, work or even just sex. Here’s another bit of dialogue from the movie…

Harry: Would you like to have dinner?
Harry: Just friends.
Sally: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry: When did I say that?
Sally: On the ride to New York.
Harry: No no no no, I never said that. (Harry pauses, thinks.) Yes, that's
right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other
people then they can. This is an amendment to the earlier rule, if the two
people are in relationships, the pressure of possibility of involvement is
lifted. (Pauses) That doesn't work either because what happens then is the
person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with
the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from
their relationship and "why do you have to go outside to get it?". Then
when you say, "no no no no, it's not true nothing's missing from the
relationship", the person you're involved with then accuses you of being
secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which we probably
are, I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it,
which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment which is men and women can't be friends, so where does that leave us?
Sally: Harry.
Harry: What?
Sally: Goodbye.

But does sex ruin a friendship? It has the potential all right! Especially if only one of you wants to take it further. In many friendships between men and women, sexual attraction is not an issue, they are not attracted to each other, are romantically involved with someone else or are not heterosexual. If an attraction does develop during the course of a friendship, there are ways to manage the sexual tension. It is probably most helpful to discuss it openly. This should work to diffuse the tension and increase the likelihood that a friendship will survive. Just because you are attracted to someone doesn't mean you have to act on it. You can make choices about your actions and make decisions about what the boundaries will be. Sometimes opposite sex friends decide not to become romantically involved because they do not want to risk losing the friendship if/when the romance is over.

And what of that friendship after romance? When a dating relationship ends, sometimes the former partners try to salvage a friendship. While this is possible for some people depending on how the relationship ended and on the maturity level of the two people involved this is not an easy transition. If it is a mutual parting or if the hurt partner has really let go and healed from the loss (which takes some time), the friendship may be more successful. If there was betrayal or mistreatment and you are agreeing to friendship, you really need to examine your motives. Why would you trust someone as a friend who betrayed you as a partner in a romance? If you don't want to remain friends or aren't ready to, it is important to say so. Often friendship after a breakup is a way to hold on to the relationship or put off the inevitable ending.

Does any of this mean that I would not want my male friends to think of me as attractive? Nope. Does this mean that I wouldn’t be friends with someone unattractive? Not in the least. But what it boils down to really is that there will always be boundaries in every friendship that are best set though mutual communication that should be treated as sacred.

But all in all, the conclusion is that men and women can be friends. For many people, the safety and comfort of a platonic friendship is very appealing in contrast to the ups and downs of dating. These friendships can add to our lives in positive ways and can also present some unique challenges.

I mean I have male friends, I’m not sleeping with them and I still love them. So sue me!